I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
