Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dignity is for republicans.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
