Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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