i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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