im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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