No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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