Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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