i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
