Little spoons don't ask big questions
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
