Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
