after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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