you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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