the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
