I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
