So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
