im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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