if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
