and you said cock pushups were impossible
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My day in three words: secret purse cake
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
