I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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