You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
