today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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