Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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