dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
PANTIES FOUND
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