I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
