afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
