I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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