His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
