sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
