it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
