my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
