i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
