Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
