You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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