What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
