I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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