he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
