We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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