I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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