Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
