so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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