1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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