I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize