No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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