I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
