I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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