Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
