white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
