I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
