You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
