No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I love you.
Bad choice
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