Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
