Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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