How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
