i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
