you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
