I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
