Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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