I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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