I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
