What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
