Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize