my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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