I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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