do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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