I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Randomize
