new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
